Self care realisation

Sharing some recent thoughts that I wasn't quite ready to publish back then and honestly I am still learning how to do self care that works for me.

Monday 19th September. Somewhere in the air between Perth and Adelaide. 6.35pm. 

Here I am on my fourth flight since 4th September when we flew to Perth. Row 26, seat B, wedged between Emery and Elijah, both being entertained by the IPads! It's been awhile since I did a flight on my own with the kids, actually I'm not sure I ever have, but it's safe to say they are both well travelled and know this gig back to front! 

I guess I've heard it before in the safety demo, but today it sunk in as I listened to the attendant take us through what to do in an Emergency. 

"It is important you fit your own mask  before helping other guests..."

It was in this moment I realised, well maybe acknowledged to myself that I need to look after myself before I can be a mum, wife, friend...it seems a little selfish really when you think about it, but honestly what good am I to anyone if I don't care for self, a little self care will ensure I can give my best to others around me. 

Recently I  have made some changes in life which will hopefully see me be able to look after myself but also those closest to me, my family. As a mum of two preschoolers it's so easy to put them first in everything (well after work, which is the drastic change I have just made) , but after my experience in the past few days, when I don't look after myself, my parenting goes crazy. I yell, I'm short with them, I make crazy threats..."if you don't (insert request here) you won't have McDonalds for lunch/play on the playground (insert anything they are actually looking forward to!)" and yep the food choices are less than healthy, but hey they get a great collection of the latest movies icons...

Self care I feel is incredibly hard, for me anyway, others may find it easier, but I recognise to give the best for my family, this mumma needs some regular self care time - wether it be gym time, pampering, time for journaling, time for creating, time for things that fill my cup to then ensure that those around me get the best of me, not a tired worn out cranky mumma/wife. When I feel good about myself, life goes a whole lot smoother for those around me. When I have less expectations on me, life is a whole lot calmer for those around me.

9 weeks....

It is safe to say in the last 5 years since moving from Perth, I have spent my fair share of time at Airports. I still remember the day we left Perth. As I sat in my seat, clutching Daniels hand, tears streaming down my cheeks, holding closely to Emery who was just 5 months at the time. I looked out the window, and tears flooded my eyes as reality hit in of what was happening. Moving across the other side of the country, just [then] the three of us, chasing something that we felt so strongly would be the next chapter of our lives.

Living away from loved ones there have been many trips to and from Airports. Each time I have collected someone who is visiting us there is such happiness, and then taking them back so they can return home there is sadness as they leave. Holding tight to the memories we have made in those moments they have been with us.

When we return home to Perth there is such excitement brewing as in just a few hours we will be reunited with our loved ones.  As we come home there are many tears (more and more lately as both children realise the distance!) as we give lots of hugs and say goodbye, again holding on to memories made, and beginning to count down the days until we see them again.

In my many airport visits I have noticed others, sharing moments unaware of others around them.

I think of the young girl who traveled in the seat in front of us recently, unaccompanied minor, in care of the Flight Attendant, waiting until the plane had emptied to join us in the terminal. I didn’t know her story, I wondered, is she returning home? Is she holidaying? As she entered the terminal I watched from afar as she ran with such speed to another young girl, they held each other so tightly, tears of joy as they kept hugging. They then joined the adults waiting with them, and walked arm in arm into the distance. Sisters? Friends? Cousins? I’ll never know, but I know in that moment I was reminded of the many happy times of coming home to loved ones, feeling their embrace after 4 hours on a plane. Walking with them, many stories spilling out as we connected after months apart.

I remember being the young mother, saying goodbye to her children and husband and walking away from them as the children cried for me, pulling at my heartstrings, as I left for a course in Melbourne for two weeks.

I see the couple embrace for an extended time as one walks away, tears streaming down their cheeks.

I know the feeling of being the one coming off the Airplane, waiting for that moment you lock eyes with the one waiting for you, your heart leaps for joy as your walk speeds up so you can reach them that little bit quicker.

I have also witnessed the incredible amounts of Krispy Crème donuts that people bring when leaving Melbourne to loved ones waiting for them, or maybe just for themselves to enjoy in days to come.

Goodbyes are really hard, as you say goodbye to loved ones that have visited you and shared moments in your world. They are hard when you’ve been on holidays, living the dream and now needing to return to reality.  But the beauty of goodbyes is that there are always the times you are reunited with loved ones, where your heart is filled when you are with them, where the stories flow of times missed together and memories made in those moments.

Living away from family is hard it is bittersweet. It has made me stronger and it has made me appreciate my family so much more. It has made me realize what we take for granted. As I live away from them, especially now having my own children, it hurts each time I say goodbye, and the countdowns are getting bigger and bigger to give us something to be excited for.

But I know that Adelaide is where we are meant to be, for such a time as this. Who knows where we will end up, but what I do know is that my children love their family in Perth so much and I am so incredibly thankful for the times people call just to say hi, when they send a little note in the mail to surprise us and I am super thankful for Skype, Facetime and the internet!!

I am thankful for the friends and family we have now in Melbourne, Adelaide and Perth, because as we’ve moved around we have been blessed with more and more family to love and to do life with us.

Today I said goodbye to my Mum, I was brave….mostly. I fought back tears as I gave her the biggest hug, so thankful that she had come to visit with Dad, who had left just days before to return to work. I waited until she walked back past me for just one last wave, one last smile, one last kiss blown through the air, for now. I turned and the tears flowed, she caught me as I glanced back for one last smile.

All the while reminding myself that it is just 9 weeks until I see them again!

My behind the scenes.....

Edits, filters, sharing the good parts of life, the bragging of accomplishments, social media actually gives us unrealistic views of what others lives look like, we see the good parts of their lives and feel connected, but we rarely see the trials, struggles and the parts where they feel so alone. People let us into their lives partially and often are screaming for the interaction with others but are afraid to let people in, incase they begin to see that there are cracks....how long can you truly keep up the appearance of life is wonderful?

I remember reading a saying somewhere on social media (ironically) which stated:

"stop comparing your behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel". 

How true is this? I know I fall victim to only really sharing the good from life, I put filters on photos which make my skin look better, the food more appealing, my day more interesting. I put unrealistic expectations on myself because of what I see others doing/achieving. But what about my behind-the-scenes? 

My behind the scenes, is a 29 year old mother of two, with an amazing husband. Living in Highett away from family, and where friends are spread anything from 20mins away to a plane flight of 4 hours. I'm planting a Church for the Salvation Army, and that brings many challenges, questions and frustrations and also expectations from what others perceive to be "church". This year has been one of the hardest times ever, moving away from a community where we lived for two years with constant support, people always willing to be sociable when we needed it. My dad being diagnosed with Cancer and multiple trips back to Perth, and then the tearing of the heart when having to leave the family to come "home". The struggle of wanting to be there but knowing its right for me to be here. The pain of other challenges in Perth and not being there to journey in person with loved ones when they most need it. Add to the mix of having our second child and learning to find the rhythm of life as a family of four. And that is just the big things!

Sometimes I cry, actually often I cry lately.

Somedays I want to pack everything up and move back to Perth, but then reality hits and I realise life won't be instantly better because that in itself would bring challenges. 

Sometimes I'm so content with being here in Melbourne, doing what I do. 

Occasionally I find I have no answers, no direction, no motivation. 

Often life is overwhelming and I want to run. 

I'm often trying to get life back to "how it used to be", when I was most happy, most feeling myself, most motivated. 

But I'm exhausted. I admitted I needed help. It was scary but I feel although I'm still feeling all of the above, I'm in a good place, to be able to move forward, pursue life to its fullest and to be content with the highlights and the behind the scenes. 

I'm on a journey and this one thing I know is that I don't do it alone. All throughout this year, I've held onto one verse in the Bible especially Hebrews 6:19 

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

Jesus keeps me grounded, he was human and he knows the struggles I go through. 

Jesus gives me purpose, he lived this world and he knows there are people struggling, he showed me how to live amongst them and do life with them. 

Jesus is my constant companion when things get tough and I have no-one to turn to, His Spirit guides me, comforts me & gives me the words to say when I don't feel I have any. 

Jesus is the hope of the world, the cornerstone, the foundation. 

My prayer is that Jesus be at the centre of my life, and then I can face anything thrown at me. 

I show you my behind-the-scenes, because I want you to see you are not alone, my life isn't all peachy that you see when I post photos, but I truly with all my heart believe that life with Jesus is so much better than what it would be if I didn't have him. My faith allows me to journey through this stuff, my battle with depression & anxiety, my struggles in life, my insecurities, because I know I was born for more than just the now. I hold onto those blessings that God has placed in my life - my Husband, my kids, the friends both near and far. I wouldn't trade them for life "as it used to be", because this is life, this is who I am, I am moving forward, not backwards. I've asked for help and I am seeing Jesus work in my weaknesses. Because it is in my weaknesses that He is the strongest. When I admit I can't do it anymore, that He proves He can do it, and He has been the one carrying me through the hard times. 

Each day I must bring everything to Jesus, and allow him to work in and through me. 

My behind the scenes picture, no makeup, no filter, just raw me!

83

Not a day goes past that I don't think about you since you've gone to Heaven, but today especially I think about you because its the first birthday we've had since you've been gone.

Today Nan, you would of been 83 years old, a life so worthy of celebrating, such a beautiful Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend and Nanna. One who always protected, always loved, always taught us new things. Who held us and comforted us when we were sad, who settled us by tickling our legs/arms/backs as we fell asleep or just sat ever so quietly beside you. You, Nan were someone I loved very dearly, not a moment spent with you taken for granted. Today I wish I could call you up and say 'Happy Birthday', I wish I could talk to you for hours about the tiny life growing inside of me and the exciting things that are happening in life. I know you are watching down on us, and you wouldn't want us to be sad, you would want us to live life to the fullest, making the most of every moment. I know I will see you again one day, so until then the memories will live forever in my heart. I love you Nan. Happy Birthday!

12 weeks

Today marks 12 weeks of my pregnancy...we had our 12 week scan today and to explain it in one word - AMAZING! To see our child, growing healthy, all limbs, strong heartbeat, moving around constantly was totally breathtaking.

I've been fairly healthy throughout my pregnancy, slight morning sickness around weeks 5-7, but since then just extreme tiredness. I'm usually a nanna when it comes to sleep - I love my sleep - but lately I can't make it much past 8pm without falling asleep. I've been eating well and gone off coca cola (actually can't stand the taste right now), fruit is my best friend right now, it gets me through my days, along with Salt and Vinegar chips. I've noticed slight changes in my belly, getting a little rounder, but not ready to show those pics yet as to me its just the same belly I had before, and I wasn't proud of showing that off. I'm so excited that 2011 will bring Dan and I a child. I know that life will change dramatically because of starting our little family, and as daunting as it does seem at times, right now I am totally amazed at what is going on inside my body, and just trying to enjoy this journey of motherhood.

source

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day. Psalm 139: 13 - 16

Mothers Day

Mothers Day...sigh...what a busy day! specially now cos I now have to share the day with a mother-in-law!

It really is a day to say 'thanks for all you've done mum'...mums wear so many 'hats', take on so many roles, so we really owe so much to them! I think as I get older I really do appreciate my mum so much more than I did going through my teenage years. I know we all go out and buy our mums gifts, but I really think that nothing we could buy could add up to what they have been through and done for us over our lives. I'm not a mum yet but I really look forward to the day that I bring a child into the world. In being a parent having to be a role model, protector and friend. To have such an innocent life in your hands to shape to be a beautiful human being in this world. I get so sad when I see parents treating their children so terribly, mainly in the way they speak to them, but too the way they physically treat them. When I bring children into this world I want nothing more than to treat them in a way that when they grow up they will have respect for people, they will treat people equally and they will be aware of the things around them. If they have questions I'd like to think that I would answer them as honestly as I could, remembering that they are children, but respecting that they are curious. I've been reading a blog lately, Danielle's Sometimes Sweet. I actually started reading it, because of her tattoo's and she features different people writing about their tattoos. Recently Danielle has shared that she is pregnant! She has kept a diary of her journey of becoming a mum, and its so lovely to read. If you have a few spare moments pop on over and have a read. So I hope if you are a mum reading this I hope you have been spoilt rotten, been given the chance to put your feet up and relax, even if only for a short while. If your a child (and I don't mean small child, but we are all children) I hope you have told your mum how much you love her and allowed her to relax.

- my Mum & I -

Here comes the Bride..

Today I am off to a friends wedding, and as my 2 year wedding anniversary is coming up in 1 month I thought I'd share some pics from my wedding....

...my beautiful bridesmaids and I... I had my two sisters and my cousin, chosen because these 3 girls means the world to me and I love them so much, and who wouldn't want them there all day, helping me get ready, helping me with my dress and just being there to support

...the Bride and Groom... I can't believe we've been married 2 years. Everyday brings different challenges, but I wouldn't not take back or change a thing!

...the complete Bridal Party... Taken at Hyde Park, I love the Black and White photos. I chose Black bridesmaids dresses as I think Black and White is so Elegant, we had pink to accessorise and I'm really happy with how it all went so well together!

Ah Weddings, don't you just love them!?

Be in it, to WIN it :)

ok...so I'm not one who always wins stuff, to be honest, sometimes I can't be bothered cos I think 'pfft as if I'd win!' but recently the gym I go to had a promo, that I could refer someone to a 6 month subscription for half price, so my hubby decided to join me,

but the best bit being, we'd go into the draw to win a tv!!

yep you guessed it we WON!!! a 42" Panasonic Plasma!!!!!!

We really can't believe it. Hubby has wanted one for ages and I've said 'no, when our tv breaks we can get one'...but now out with the old (lil sister scores our already ok tv) and in with the new :) and this side of Christmas...Santa has come early!!!!

She's engaged!!

My sister is engaged!!! We got the call tonight...well actually we had been waiting all day for the call, cos her fiance' told us he was doing it, and they have gone away for the weekend...and it was done, at sunset at a beautiful lookout! How sweet.

So it got me thinking of when Dan proposed to me...It was at City Beach (Perth, WA), he set out a picnic blanket and as he did he dropped to one knee and held a stencilled skateboard (shown above) in front of him....I didn't actually say yes, I just kissed him, laughed, was in shock, and then if I remember rightly he had to ask again, and then I answered 'YES, of course!!'. Life is such a journey!! but when you find that someone special it makes it so much better, journeying together, through the ups and downs that life throws at you. My hubby is great, and I don't think I tell him enough. He's one creative guy. I hope you find someone as special as him!!

Same but different!

Wouldn't believe its the same cabinet!! I saw the beauty in this run down $10 bargain. Add coat of black paint, a few touch ups and the lovely assistance of my awesome daddy and wella we have a great new cabinet to add to our living area! So happy with how it turned out! Thanks DAD! Your a Champ...I'll tell you all about my dad another time, but for now heres my favourite (well one of them) photo of me and him on my wedding day!

Big Rocks

So I was reading in my Bible recently a reading on 'getting the balance right'...and there was a story about a person speaking to a womens group who had a large mouthed jar and added some large rocks into it...they asked the group if it was full and they answered 'yes'...they then went on to pour in sand, which flowed down through the cracks and filled it some more...they again asked if it was full and the group was a little hesitant to answer this time...they then went on to pour water into the jar which soaked into the sand and between the rocks.... I think you know where this is heading.... The moral of the story is - if you don't put the big rocks in first, you will never fit them in...this really spoke to me at the time - I need to fit my big rocks into life first - Dan, family, work, Church etc, then fill the spaces with the other things in life that I choose to do...but if I don't put my 'big rocks' in first I will never fit them in... So this week I am trying to make time for my 'big rocks' and knock back the 'sand fillers'. I have trouble saying no to people, taking on everything..but I am pleased to say I am realising how this affects me and stresses me out, so when unpacking some things at work today and came across this jar with rocks in it, it was a reminder to remember the big rocks, as they are the most important.

My little sister #2

My little sister #2...

isn't she just the cutest?! ok so now she's actually 19 and this photo is really old, but she's still just as cute...She has this huge heart for people, she'll make you laugh till your sides hurt with her sense of humour! She loves a challenge and will always do it with 100% effort put in. She doesn't realise her true value and beauty! But she is gorgeous, dark eyes, dark hair, people reckon she's Italian but she's not...She's creative, has a beautiful voice when she sings and her little 'beauty spot' on her right cheek is just the beginning of her beauty! Look furthur in and you'll see so much more than meets the eye...

I love her so much and appreciate all she is and does! She's one of my best friends. Love you Nat Rat.xx

Me and Mandy Moo

This is my little sister (1 of 2) and I when we were much younger!! I love this pic, and so many times we have joked and said we should reenact it, but sadly there are many things needed to do so!! One day we shall do it, just for the laughs!! Today I have the flu, well have done for 5 days now and ive really had enough of it. I hate being stuck on the couch wasting the day away! There is so much more I would love to be doing like sewing & creating. But I was just checking out some pics and saw this and was instantly reminded of a letter this lil sis wrote me...she is really one for taking time out to inspire others..she wrote me this email about achieving my dreams and her believing I can do it..It brought me to tears, because so often I doubt myself. This letter I will keep forever, and when I achieve my dreams I shall frame it for all to see, to show that my lil sister believed in me and knew her big sister would achieve my dreams!! She knows Im determined!! When I was younger I wanted my nose peirced and well dad thought he was safe saying if she had it done I could as she hates needles! For ages I bribed her, begged on my knees and just kept pushing it! But no she didn't want it done, well the rest is history because today we both have our noses peirced and Dad couldn't believe it when she said she would! But its something we share, and something that shows my determination! Manda Moo, I love you!! Thankyou!