Self care realisation

Sharing some recent thoughts that I wasn't quite ready to publish back then and honestly I am still learning how to do self care that works for me.

Monday 19th September. Somewhere in the air between Perth and Adelaide. 6.35pm. 

Here I am on my fourth flight since 4th September when we flew to Perth. Row 26, seat B, wedged between Emery and Elijah, both being entertained by the IPads! It's been awhile since I did a flight on my own with the kids, actually I'm not sure I ever have, but it's safe to say they are both well travelled and know this gig back to front! 

I guess I've heard it before in the safety demo, but today it sunk in as I listened to the attendant take us through what to do in an Emergency. 

"It is important you fit your own mask  before helping other guests..."

It was in this moment I realised, well maybe acknowledged to myself that I need to look after myself before I can be a mum, wife, friend...it seems a little selfish really when you think about it, but honestly what good am I to anyone if I don't care for self, a little self care will ensure I can give my best to others around me. 

Recently I  have made some changes in life which will hopefully see me be able to look after myself but also those closest to me, my family. As a mum of two preschoolers it's so easy to put them first in everything (well after work, which is the drastic change I have just made) , but after my experience in the past few days, when I don't look after myself, my parenting goes crazy. I yell, I'm short with them, I make crazy threats..."if you don't (insert request here) you won't have McDonalds for lunch/play on the playground (insert anything they are actually looking forward to!)" and yep the food choices are less than healthy, but hey they get a great collection of the latest movies icons...

Self care I feel is incredibly hard, for me anyway, others may find it easier, but I recognise to give the best for my family, this mumma needs some regular self care time - wether it be gym time, pampering, time for journaling, time for creating, time for things that fill my cup to then ensure that those around me get the best of me, not a tired worn out cranky mumma/wife. When I feel good about myself, life goes a whole lot smoother for those around me. When I have less expectations on me, life is a whole lot calmer for those around me.

Standing Strong

Thursday 18th August. 9.01am. Sitting in my car in the work carpark. (Edited days afterwards, lying on the couch!)

I remember the day of my Nannas funeral,  sitting in the second row of the Church I had grown up in, the church where I had sat and watched my Nanna play the piano many times, I now sat with my family as we said goodbye to the one we had all loved so much, and now mourned the loss of her physical presence in this world, yet knew quite confidently that she was now at rest but her memories in our hearts would live on forever.

We went through the service, I don't remember much about it except the church was full, I read 1 Corinthians 13 with my cousin and my Dad lead the service, which I always admired because of his strength in a time of loss and sadness. 

As the last song of the service was sung and I sung along to the words, I felt this urge to stand, to honour my Nannas life. As I continued to sing this battle went on inside me, I was afraid to stand, afraid for what others would say, I was front row, everyone would see. I was afraid that as I stood I would burst into tears and the silent tears that had slipped down my cheeks, would suddenly be on show for all to see. As I sung and battled this "urge inside me" I saw another relative stand, across the Church from me but still at the front. He stood so boldly and so strong as his hands were crossed gentle across his body and he continued to sing. 

As I drove to work, alone in the car that had been so faithful to us on our travels I put a CD in the player, as for once I did not have to listen to tunes requested from the back seat. 

As the music came on, and I battled the traffic to make my way to work I listened to the first two songs on the CD. I sung along as I normally do, but this time it was different. This time there was a broken heart singing these words as prayers, in between the songs there were prayers spoken from a heart that was battling. 

As I drove that day, I was taken back to that moment at my Nannas funeral as I sung "It is well", that moment of wanting to stand to honour her. As I prayed that day I felt a clear direction that in this time of my life I now need to stand to honour God in my life, to stand despite what people might think, to stand strong knowing that "through it all my eyes are on Jesus" and I am making this stand because of the prompting of his spirit in my life and being aware of the needs I recognise in my life. Recognising the things in life that God has given me yet I take for granted or have pushed aside. 

That 15 minute drive to work, was what I needed to start this day. Prayer with God, hearing from him by His Spirits prompting, and knowing that today whatever I face, He is with me. 

9 weeks....

It is safe to say in the last 5 years since moving from Perth, I have spent my fair share of time at Airports. I still remember the day we left Perth. As I sat in my seat, clutching Daniels hand, tears streaming down my cheeks, holding closely to Emery who was just 5 months at the time. I looked out the window, and tears flooded my eyes as reality hit in of what was happening. Moving across the other side of the country, just [then] the three of us, chasing something that we felt so strongly would be the next chapter of our lives.

Living away from loved ones there have been many trips to and from Airports. Each time I have collected someone who is visiting us there is such happiness, and then taking them back so they can return home there is sadness as they leave. Holding tight to the memories we have made in those moments they have been with us.

When we return home to Perth there is such excitement brewing as in just a few hours we will be reunited with our loved ones.  As we come home there are many tears (more and more lately as both children realise the distance!) as we give lots of hugs and say goodbye, again holding on to memories made, and beginning to count down the days until we see them again.

In my many airport visits I have noticed others, sharing moments unaware of others around them.

I think of the young girl who traveled in the seat in front of us recently, unaccompanied minor, in care of the Flight Attendant, waiting until the plane had emptied to join us in the terminal. I didn’t know her story, I wondered, is she returning home? Is she holidaying? As she entered the terminal I watched from afar as she ran with such speed to another young girl, they held each other so tightly, tears of joy as they kept hugging. They then joined the adults waiting with them, and walked arm in arm into the distance. Sisters? Friends? Cousins? I’ll never know, but I know in that moment I was reminded of the many happy times of coming home to loved ones, feeling their embrace after 4 hours on a plane. Walking with them, many stories spilling out as we connected after months apart.

I remember being the young mother, saying goodbye to her children and husband and walking away from them as the children cried for me, pulling at my heartstrings, as I left for a course in Melbourne for two weeks.

I see the couple embrace for an extended time as one walks away, tears streaming down their cheeks.

I know the feeling of being the one coming off the Airplane, waiting for that moment you lock eyes with the one waiting for you, your heart leaps for joy as your walk speeds up so you can reach them that little bit quicker.

I have also witnessed the incredible amounts of Krispy Crème donuts that people bring when leaving Melbourne to loved ones waiting for them, or maybe just for themselves to enjoy in days to come.

Goodbyes are really hard, as you say goodbye to loved ones that have visited you and shared moments in your world. They are hard when you’ve been on holidays, living the dream and now needing to return to reality.  But the beauty of goodbyes is that there are always the times you are reunited with loved ones, where your heart is filled when you are with them, where the stories flow of times missed together and memories made in those moments.

Living away from family is hard it is bittersweet. It has made me stronger and it has made me appreciate my family so much more. It has made me realize what we take for granted. As I live away from them, especially now having my own children, it hurts each time I say goodbye, and the countdowns are getting bigger and bigger to give us something to be excited for.

But I know that Adelaide is where we are meant to be, for such a time as this. Who knows where we will end up, but what I do know is that my children love their family in Perth so much and I am so incredibly thankful for the times people call just to say hi, when they send a little note in the mail to surprise us and I am super thankful for Skype, Facetime and the internet!!

I am thankful for the friends and family we have now in Melbourne, Adelaide and Perth, because as we’ve moved around we have been blessed with more and more family to love and to do life with us.

Today I said goodbye to my Mum, I was brave….mostly. I fought back tears as I gave her the biggest hug, so thankful that she had come to visit with Dad, who had left just days before to return to work. I waited until she walked back past me for just one last wave, one last smile, one last kiss blown through the air, for now. I turned and the tears flowed, she caught me as I glanced back for one last smile.

All the while reminding myself that it is just 9 weeks until I see them again!

I am a child of God

Written a few days ago, sharing now as I've played with the idea, but figure it may speak to someone reading...

This morning as I stood in my bathroom getting ready for the day ahead, hair straightener in one hand, hair piled high on my head, music playing I smiled as I saw the women I'd been created to be. This beautiful mess (which I say in a loving term) staring back at me, flaws and all, in my natural state before the application of cosmetics to hide the "flaws" and enhance the beauty. 

"I am a child of God" was sung out of my phone, "from my mothers womb, you have chosen me, your love flows through my veins". I think of the things I struggle with,  depression, anxiety, self loathe, homesickness, but in this moment it all faded away as I was reminded I am a child of God.

I thought about my own children, two beautiful little humans, each unique, but yet so similar. Their lives entrusted to me, to care for them, guide them, nurture them and encourage them to explore. The times that there's incredible frustration around the choices they make, their actions, but I'm quickly taken to the moments that they take my breath away, the heart over flowing love that I have for them, as I puff out my chest and say "yes they are my kids, aren't they incredible!!"

This is how God sees us, he sees our hurts, our struggles, but he also stands there as the proud Father saying "yes they are my children, aren't they incredible!!"

I love the moments where my children come to snuggle, where they tell me they love me completely out of the blue, where they just want to hang out with me and I am reminded that God longs for us to be just like this, to hang with him for no reason, to tell him we love him out of the blue, to just sit in his presence, to connect with him.

Today I am thankful for the 10 mins I got to get ready on my own and for in this time the way God revealed this to me. I am thankful for my family who love me just as I am, a husband who walks this journey with me and for parents who have loved, guided and encouraged me along the way. I am incredibly thankful for a God who pours out Grace, because as I have explored life I haven't always made the greatest choices, but I am welcomed arms wide open to sit with him, to be restored and to be encouraged as I walk this life, as I walk I am not alone, He is always there and at times when I've needed it he's carried me through those times! 

My behind the scenes.....

Edits, filters, sharing the good parts of life, the bragging of accomplishments, social media actually gives us unrealistic views of what others lives look like, we see the good parts of their lives and feel connected, but we rarely see the trials, struggles and the parts where they feel so alone. People let us into their lives partially and often are screaming for the interaction with others but are afraid to let people in, incase they begin to see that there are cracks....how long can you truly keep up the appearance of life is wonderful?

I remember reading a saying somewhere on social media (ironically) which stated:

"stop comparing your behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel". 

How true is this? I know I fall victim to only really sharing the good from life, I put filters on photos which make my skin look better, the food more appealing, my day more interesting. I put unrealistic expectations on myself because of what I see others doing/achieving. But what about my behind-the-scenes? 

My behind the scenes, is a 29 year old mother of two, with an amazing husband. Living in Highett away from family, and where friends are spread anything from 20mins away to a plane flight of 4 hours. I'm planting a Church for the Salvation Army, and that brings many challenges, questions and frustrations and also expectations from what others perceive to be "church". This year has been one of the hardest times ever, moving away from a community where we lived for two years with constant support, people always willing to be sociable when we needed it. My dad being diagnosed with Cancer and multiple trips back to Perth, and then the tearing of the heart when having to leave the family to come "home". The struggle of wanting to be there but knowing its right for me to be here. The pain of other challenges in Perth and not being there to journey in person with loved ones when they most need it. Add to the mix of having our second child and learning to find the rhythm of life as a family of four. And that is just the big things!

Sometimes I cry, actually often I cry lately.

Somedays I want to pack everything up and move back to Perth, but then reality hits and I realise life won't be instantly better because that in itself would bring challenges. 

Sometimes I'm so content with being here in Melbourne, doing what I do. 

Occasionally I find I have no answers, no direction, no motivation. 

Often life is overwhelming and I want to run. 

I'm often trying to get life back to "how it used to be", when I was most happy, most feeling myself, most motivated. 

But I'm exhausted. I admitted I needed help. It was scary but I feel although I'm still feeling all of the above, I'm in a good place, to be able to move forward, pursue life to its fullest and to be content with the highlights and the behind the scenes. 

I'm on a journey and this one thing I know is that I don't do it alone. All throughout this year, I've held onto one verse in the Bible especially Hebrews 6:19 

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

Jesus keeps me grounded, he was human and he knows the struggles I go through. 

Jesus gives me purpose, he lived this world and he knows there are people struggling, he showed me how to live amongst them and do life with them. 

Jesus is my constant companion when things get tough and I have no-one to turn to, His Spirit guides me, comforts me & gives me the words to say when I don't feel I have any. 

Jesus is the hope of the world, the cornerstone, the foundation. 

My prayer is that Jesus be at the centre of my life, and then I can face anything thrown at me. 

I show you my behind-the-scenes, because I want you to see you are not alone, my life isn't all peachy that you see when I post photos, but I truly with all my heart believe that life with Jesus is so much better than what it would be if I didn't have him. My faith allows me to journey through this stuff, my battle with depression & anxiety, my struggles in life, my insecurities, because I know I was born for more than just the now. I hold onto those blessings that God has placed in my life - my Husband, my kids, the friends both near and far. I wouldn't trade them for life "as it used to be", because this is life, this is who I am, I am moving forward, not backwards. I've asked for help and I am seeing Jesus work in my weaknesses. Because it is in my weaknesses that He is the strongest. When I admit I can't do it anymore, that He proves He can do it, and He has been the one carrying me through the hard times. 

Each day I must bring everything to Jesus, and allow him to work in and through me. 

My behind the scenes picture, no makeup, no filter, just raw me!

Have you ever stopped to notice the patterns in the leaves? The array of colours that are displayed right before us? Or the intricate details of the bark on a tree? How often do you take time to just be still? Or is life just always on the go, full of worry and stress?

Today I took my run around Princes Park as I have been doing for a while now. Most days I crank the tunes, blocking out the world around me and go, but today I felt the need to just allow the sounds of busyness around me be the sound track I ran to.

As I begun my cool down walk, I noticed how many leaves where on the ground, the colours and the detail on each leaf through patterns and shapes. Normally the sound of the crunching beneath my feet is blocked out but today each step I took, I heard the crunching of the gravel and leaves.

As I walked I begun to get creatively inspired, I thought back to my Design course when we sat in the park and drew the textures of trees, the textures of the brick paving and the huge roots of the trees shading us from the blaring sun.  I remember at the time thinking not much of it, but just plodding through and completing the exercises to enable me to pass my course.

Today I found myself collecting pieces along the way so that I could revisit these artistic adventures, and to now have a new appreciation for the God who made this beauty that for so long I have ignored and taken for granted.

Life for me at times, okay most of the time, is extremely busy! Today as I took in the patterns, colours and sounds around me, I felt God saying to me to just slow down. I felt extremely encouraged to take time to enjoy His creation, to be inspired through the creativity around me and to allow Him to speak to me. 

Imagine if we all just took some time out from our busy days to notice the small things that we look past each day. What kind of inspiration we would gain, how God could speak to us through these things, if we just allowed ourselves to be still.

Matthew 10: 30  “and even the very hairs of your head are all numbered”.

It blows my mind that God knows me so intricately, even more so than the intricate leaves that I collected today. I am so thankful that today I slowed down and took in the small things around me, because I have been inspired, lifted and encouraged.

Stay tuned for some products of that creative inspiration…

items collected along my walk today

Encouraged by my old journal

Today I came across my old journal, as I sat on the floor amongst the things I had been sorting out I read page after page of my journey from 2006-2008. As I read I recognize so clearly now the call God had placed on my life way before I even recognized it. I read of the struggles I had with jobs just not feeling they were where I should be and that God had something far bigger planned for me. I read prayers asking God to reveal himself to me, prayers asking for a heart that is obedient to Him. I read entries I'd written after being touch by a specific encounter, after watching a movie, after reading books that motivated and challenged. I read as I wrote with such passion wanting to reach people struggling and showing them the hope that is found in Jesus. I read as I wrote about the injustice in the world and how I longed to bring justice in some form. I read about the challenges I faced growing up in the church, the things I struggled with, the value in small groups meeting together and the impact they had on my faith journey.

As I sat I was thankful for every entry I had written, wether good or bad, because life is a journey, faith is a journey, and today I am the person I am because of those experiences. I see where God has answered my prayers so clearly and I see others that are still to be answered. But the one thing I know is God is faithful and when we call He answers, maybe not in our time, but in His time.

So I am encouraged through that to keep journaling, so that in another 6 years I may look back and see the amazing opportunities God has given and will give me, as I enter into full time Ministry with The Salvation Army (one of those things I clearly see God working in my life to get me to this point today). That I might to be able to reflect on the times where I am challenged, confronted and inspired so that all the while I can see that He has never left me and never will.

2 corinthians 3:18

7am yesterday morning Emery was wide awake and wanting to play when all I wanted to do was continue sleeping. I noticed a crack in the curtain where the sun was shining and thought to myself that if I opened them it would help me wake up. I pulled back the curtains and was greeted with the most beautiful morning, the sun was sitting just above the hills and the colours that it was throwing off were amazing! Combine that with the shadows of the hills and I was instantly awake searching for my phone to take a picture!  In morning prayers that followed I was taken back to this setting when I heard the phrase "his face shines upon us like the sun". This really came to life for me and I was taken back to pulling my curtains back, being struck by the brightness of the morning sun on my weary eyes, the glow that it radiated and the energy it gave me from seeing this. It really got me thinking about how Jesus is being reflected onto my life and how I am feeling from this. 

To be honest this morning I made some relisations in my life that I need to let go and allow God to shine into my life and impact it the way that His glorious sun rise impacted my morning. 

He gives energy and boldness when all I want to do is resort to my comfort zone.

He gives freedom but yet I am still so conscious about what others think. 

He has made me uniquely but still I think I can't stand out from the crowd.

He has called me to live this life but I still just go with the flow because it's easy.

2 Corinthians 3 verse 18 says: "All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him" (The Message)

My prayer is that I will become more and more like Jesus, as He works in my life as I continue to seek Him and allow him to show me His ways and that I may radiate the brightness of Him just as the sun radiated onto me yesterday morning.

taken from my 5th floor window, love the view

missing loved ones

It's a beautiful sunny day here today, well that is for the next half hour! Melbourne is providing us with some beautiful weather, as I look out my 5th floor window I see a few clouds scattered through the sky, I see bright blue skies and I see the sun hitting the trees. Its certainly not Perth weather, but its nice, its not too hot and not too cold (today!). 

We have lived here a week now, leaving our loved ones behind exactly one week ago today and starting the next chapter of our lives. It really feels weird to think that my family are on the other side of Australia and I'm not with them. Yes I have moved around most of my life from state to state, but for many years now I had been settled in Perth, surrounded by family and dear friends and its where I called home. I fell in love in Perth, got married in Perth, brought a house in Perth, had Emery in Perth, all whilst surrounded by family.

Now I sit here in Melbourne checking in on Facebook reguarly to see what loved ones in Perth are doing, posting pics of Emery so that they can watch her grow and develop. 

I do miss Perth, but I know that those who I have left behind support me and encourage me to follow where God is taking me. I look forward to what I will experience in Melbourne, the many challenges I will face, the happy times we will experience and although my family are not physically surrounding me, I know they surround me in Prayer and love and that they are just a phone call away (or with the technology these days, Skype, Face time, email etc!)

I also know that the people here in Melbourne that I live with and that I meet through those people will also begin to become friends and be a huge support network to the time we spend here. That God will provide me with the physical support that I need in different people around me.

So for the time, I live one day at a time, trying to embrace all that it brings, and to become the best person I can during my training. I know I'll have days where it will be tough and I'll just want to run and hide, but I will try to look at these experiences as learning experiences, to learn about myself and about others.

an officer in the 21st century

When taking time to think about what I see the role of a 21^st century officer to look like, I am brought to the verse in Romans 12 with the title being “place your life before God” it reads:

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (Peterson, 2006:1661)

For myself going into Training College and obeying God’s call on my life to become and Officer in the 21^st Century, this verse is one that helps me to see it as a lifestyle not a career.

I believe that we need to be secure in our calling and have faith in God that he is above all and will guide us, comfort us and provide us with the support we need to obey His calling. For some people to be apart of the Salvation Army there is a great sense of belonging and ‘working for a cause’ but I feel that there needs to be so much more than a personal ‘want’ to be apart of it and a greater sense of following Jesus and being his hands and feet through our lives. 

I see the role of a 21^st century Officer to be an active member of the community in which they live in, for me personally I have areas in my life that allow me to be involved in the community that we are apart of. These areas although they may change as life goes on, I see are valuable links to reaching the lost, the last and the least, in just doing life and through that fixing my attention on God.  When I take the time to think of these specific areas and then compare them to my husband’s specific areas of interest and gifts, I see that although some overlap there are also several that are different. I believe this is an important part as we collectively take our ‘everyday lives and place them before God as offerings’.  When we look at the wider Salvation Army we see that many areas are covered and as we make up the “body of Christ” (Peterson 2006:1682) we are encouraging and strengthening each other in our own individual areas.

I recognize that the role of an Officer is to encourage and empower those they come in contact with whether it is in the community or within the church.  When ministering to the Church there needs to be an openness and a willingness to develop others as leaders and build them up in areas of interest and to support them as they explore ministry in different forms. I once heard someone say that you can not lead someone further than you have come yourself, because of this I believe that we are to be constantly growing and taking time to be refreshed and renewed.  I recognise that we can at times become so adjusted to how things are already being done that it is easy to continue to do them that way, so because of this see the importance of being open to change and exploring different avenues of ministry.

As we take our lives and place them before God there is the risk of burn out and so there is a great need to find balance.  With our Sabbath day being the day that Officers in a Corps setting are leading services this can become a busy day with multiple services and all that comes with that, I believe that it is important to take a day to refresh and recharge for the week.  To assist in finding balance, an officer needs to be effective at time management, with the busy schedule that is life as an officer it would be easy for it to consume your life and then allow for minimal time with family and for relaxation.

An important part to include in your ministry is that of meeting with a mentor or coach. This I feel is important in a few specific respects. I believe that it is important to have someone outside of your ministry in that you can debrief to and discuss events that are happening that may be causing stress or grief.  To talk to someone who is removed from the ministry in which you are involved in is beneficial in them being able to assist you in working through your thoughts and feelings with a fresh perspective and a non bias view point. I also believe it is important to meet with someone who has more experience in ministry as they can share their experiences and also challenge you to grow and support you in this as you question, develop and strive to be the person God has intended you to be.

I also believe that taking part in social justice is a part of being an officer in the 21^st century.  With many organisations trying to make a change in the wider world around us, we too need to make a stand for those who do not have a voice.  When we think back to the early days of the Salvation Army we are made aware of campaigns that they were apart of to be the voice of change amongst society, I believe the verse in Romans speaks about this where it says:

Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out’ (Peterson 2006: 1661).

In todays society we are surrounded by issues that need people to take a stand against.  With the world just accepting these issues I recognize that this verse is urging us to stand against the worldly cultures and to seek God and what He is wanting from us.  To seek His heart and passion and to love others and therefore bring justice to society.  When we think of social justice at times we can think firstly of the issues that are that of third world poverty and child slavery in these countries, but I believe we too need to look to our local communities and the issues that are pressing.

I believe the 21^st century officer is to be a person who places their life before God, seeking His will in their lives and seeking His heart when coming into contact with those around them. This is my aim as I head into ministry, that I may be an officer who has a heart for God and a heart for humankind.