Thursday 18th August. 9.01am. Sitting in my car in the work carpark. (Edited days afterwards, lying on the couch!)
I remember the day of my Nannas funeral, sitting in the second row of the Church I had grown up in, the church where I had sat and watched my Nanna play the piano many times, I now sat with my family as we said goodbye to the one we had all loved so much, and now mourned the loss of her physical presence in this world, yet knew quite confidently that she was now at rest but her memories in our hearts would live on forever.
We went through the service, I don't remember much about it except the church was full, I read 1 Corinthians 13 with my cousin and my Dad lead the service, which I always admired because of his strength in a time of loss and sadness.
As the last song of the service was sung and I sung along to the words, I felt this urge to stand, to honour my Nannas life. As I continued to sing this battle went on inside me, I was afraid to stand, afraid for what others would say, I was front row, everyone would see. I was afraid that as I stood I would burst into tears and the silent tears that had slipped down my cheeks, would suddenly be on show for all to see. As I sung and battled this "urge inside me" I saw another relative stand, across the Church from me but still at the front. He stood so boldly and so strong as his hands were crossed gentle across his body and he continued to sing.
As I drove to work, alone in the car that had been so faithful to us on our travels I put a CD in the player, as for once I did not have to listen to tunes requested from the back seat.
As the music came on, and I battled the traffic to make my way to work I listened to the first two songs on the CD. I sung along as I normally do, but this time it was different. This time there was a broken heart singing these words as prayers, in between the songs there were prayers spoken from a heart that was battling.
As I drove that day, I was taken back to that moment at my Nannas funeral as I sung "It is well", that moment of wanting to stand to honour her. As I prayed that day I felt a clear direction that in this time of my life I now need to stand to honour God in my life, to stand despite what people might think, to stand strong knowing that "through it all my eyes are on Jesus" and I am making this stand because of the prompting of his spirit in my life and being aware of the needs I recognise in my life. Recognising the things in life that God has given me yet I take for granted or have pushed aside.
That 15 minute drive to work, was what I needed to start this day. Prayer with God, hearing from him by His Spirits prompting, and knowing that today whatever I face, He is with me.